“Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes, and to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

Jesus is astonished by his response. Scripture tells us that He marvels and says, “Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith.”

For years, I read this passage as a simple example of remarkable faith. It wasn’t until much later that I realized what the centurion actually understood. He wasn’t merely expressing confidence that Jesus could perform a miracle; he recognized the nature of authority itself. The centurion understood that authority is exercised within jurisdiction. A soldier has authority over the men entrusted to him because he himself stands under authority. Orders flow through a chain of command. He recognized that Jesus exercised that same kind of authority—not over soldiers, but over sickness, creation, and the spiritual world.

At the end of the day, nearly every disagreement about the Catholic Church is ultimately a disagreement about authority. Who has it? Where does it come from? And how does God choose to exercise it? Once I began seeing Scripture through that lens, I realized that the Bible reveals a God who consistently establishes systems of authority over particular people, places, and nations.

Throughout the Old Testament we see authority delegated not only among human beings, but also within the spiritual realm. Deuteronomy 32:8–9 tells us:

“When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance, when he divided mankind, he fixed the borders of the peoples according to the number of the sons of God. But the Lord’s portion is his people, Jacob his allotted heritage.”

The Book of Daniel gives us an even more fascinating glimpse behind the curtain. An angel sent to Daniel explains that he was delayed for twenty-one days by “the prince of the kingdom of Persia” until Michael came to assist him (Daniel 10:13). A few verses later he adds:

“Now I will return to fight against the prince of Persia; and when I go out, behold, the prince of Greece will come... There is none who contends by my side against these except Michael, your prince.” (Daniel 10:20–21)

Whatever else these mysterious passages may mean, they reveal that God’s governance extends into the spiritual realm. Nations themselves appear to have heavenly rulers or guardians appointed over them. If God appoints rulers over earthly nations, it should not surprise us that He orders His entire kingdom with purpose and structure.

The New Testament carries this same idea forward. In the opening chapters of Revelation, Christ dictates seven letters to seven churches. But remarkably, He does not address the churches directly. Instead, each letter begins:

“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write...”

“To the angel of the church in Smyrna write...”

“To the angel of the church in Pergamum write...”

The pattern continues through all seven churches. There has been considerable discussion throughout Church history about precisely who these “angels” are, but whatever interpretation one adopts, the image is striking. Christ presents each local church as having its own heavenly representative or guardian. Once again, we see that God’s kingdom is ordered under God-given authority. Particular churches are associated with particular heavenly guardians, just as nations in Daniel appear to have heavenly princes appointed over them.

The centurion saw in a single conversation what the rest of Scripture confirms. God’s kingdom is not governed randomly. Authority is delegated, jurisdiction is defined, and every mission has its appointed steward. If God orders the heavenly realm in this way, it should not surprise us that He orders the earthly realm and His Church in the same way. He is not a God of chaos, but of order.

Adam is entrusted with creation. Abraham is called to become the father of a nation. Moses leads Israel and establishes a chain of authority under him. The tribe of Levi is entrusted with the worship of the Temple. The kings rule the kingdom. The prophets are sent to particular peoples. Christ gives authority to the apostles, and even among them there are distinct missions. Peter receives the keys, while Paul is appointed as the apostle to the Gentiles.

This pattern extends to the saints in heaven. The Church has long recognized that God, in His providence, entrusts certain saints with a special patronage over particular places, vocations, and apostolates. While every prayer ultimately reaches the Father through Christ, it is fitting to ask for the prayers of those whom God has uniquely prepared for particular missions.

If God delights in assigning nations, churches, and apostles their own particular missions, it seems entirely fitting that He would also raise up patron saints for the unique mission fields of every age. That is why Jane and I chose Saint Carlo Acutis as the patron of The Catholic Everywoman. Our mission field is online, and no modern saint better understood how the internet could become a place of evangelization rather than distraction. Carlo devoted his gifts to proclaiming Christ through technology, especially by spreading devotion to the Eucharist, and now he is recognized as the patron saint of the internet. As we continue our own work online, we ask for his prayers that our little corner of the internet might also become a place where people encounter the truth of the Catholic faith.

The Catholic Church did not invent the concept of authority. Her authority was given by Christ when He established His Church on earth. Accepting that requires the same humility the centurion displayed. He did not question whether Jesus had the right to command. He recognized that Christ stood within the Father’s authority, and that was enough. Perhaps that is why Jesus marveled at his faith. The centurion saw that God’s kingdom is governed through ordered authority, not individual autonomy. The more I studied Scripture, the more I realized that this pattern appears everywhere—from nations, to angels, to apostles, to the Church Christ established. In the end, becoming Catholic was not an intellectual conclusion. It was learning to trust the authority of the One who governs all things and accept my own place in His kingdom.

The purpose of hosting is to show love for people by welcoming them into your life and home. The beauty of this is that it can look completely different from one family to the next. So here’s how you make it happen.

1). Think about your favorite things. Think about how you would like to share them with your friends, and think of a feast day or time of year that suits. This will vary greatly based on your personality.

One of my friends always throws a huge Fourth of July party because her husband and eight children are obsessed with fireworks. It suits their family perfectly. They love putting it on, and the rest of us love joining in. She is also very theatrical in nature and sits all the children down every year and reads the Declaration of Independence out loud. The children cheer and boo at all the right times. It’s magical.

Another friend has a very musical family, and they put on a yearly talent show on the feast of St. Sylvester (AKA New Year’s Eve). There is violin, piano, singing, acting, plenty of wine, and a good time had by all. Again, we all enter into the joy of their family and home.

One of my favorite parties to throw is our annual adults-only murder mystery that takes place in late October. My husband and I love Halloween, and we always have a large trick-or-treat gathering on Halloween with all the children included, but the murder mystery is our time to play. Guests receive formal invitations in the mail with their character descriptions and pre-game tasks. Costumes are expected (obviously). The goal is to create an opportunity for everyone to fully enter into the fun because life is hard, and adults need to play too.

The specifics don’t really matter. What matters is finding a way to share something you genuinely enjoy with the people you love and turning it into a tradition.

2). Be realistic about your budget and bandwidth. If you are very introverted and the idea of a big party completely overwhelms you, then throw a small one. Invite a few close friends for dinner on the feast day of a saint you feel close to. You can throw a “drinks and dessert” party on your front porch for St. John the Baptist’s feast in midsummer or a fireside “wine and cheese” gathering on the first day of autumn after bedtime when the kids are all down.

If you love hosting, don’t be afraid to go all out. Everyone looks forward to a big party; it’s a wonderful way to bless your friends. The point is to put something fun and social on your schedule that becomes a part of your yearly routine.

3). Don’t overthink it. Or, in the words of Nike, just do it. Honestly, throwing a party can be as complicated or as low-key as you want it to be. Your friends aren’t judging you; they are going to have fun because they like you, and you’re sharing yourself and your home with them.

Just pick a day, decide what sounds fun, and invite people over.

A year from now, it will be a tradition. Five years from now, people will be planning around it, and it will be a core memory for all the children.

As Catholics, these are things we want to “pray about”, but what does that actually mean?

Growing up, I would hear the phrase “pray about it” when it came to big decisions. For me, this was a bit confusing. I would, for example, pray a rosary for an answer to a question I had. Or attempt to finish a novena while looking for a clear sign from God.

This became exhausting because God doesn’t usually speak directly to us or tell us what to do next. So I was often left immobilized and confused.

Maybe this sounds like you: prayerful and anxious. If so, I’d like to share two helpful nuggets that have helped me move a little bit away from anxiety and into discernment.

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I heard the first bit of advice about 10 years ago. It was so simple but seemed impulsive! It was: “Pray and do the next right thing.”

What surprised me about this advice was that it was action oriented. Didn’t I need to be absolutely sure I was making the right decision before I acted? Surely consulting wise friends and family first and taking a looooong time to decide is more prudent. Well, not always. Sometimes, this is just anxiety fed by avoidance.

When we pray and do the next right thing we have to trust God, in that moment, that He will take care of us. God hears our prayers and loves us - so really, what do we have to fear or to lose when we take the information we have at the time - and act. If you, like me, you have a tendency to overanalyze, this quote might help you prayerfully move things along.

The second bit of advice that I heard was a story about Mother Teresa. She was counseling a priest who was full of anxiety about his vocation. He told her, “Mother, please pray for me that I have clarity on this subject!” She replied saying that he needed to give up clinging to clarity and trust instead. Clarity seeks control. Trust requires surrender.

Again this might feel like “too much” when we are anxious about an intention we really care about. What lies on the other side, though, is peace. God knows the number of hairs on our heads. He also knows our nearest and dearest wishes and prayers and is a loving Father.

If fear is still a barrier, maybe the first step is offering God just that.

What is one anxiety we can let go of today by praying and doing the next right thing, or surrendering with a spirit of trust in our all-powerful God?

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Old doorknobs do not work. At this point, we have exactly three functional doorknobs in our home, and even those are on their last leg. I’m very committed to preserving beautiful things and decorating everything to period, but honestly, I’m torn between repairing and saving our beautiful antique doorknobs and chucking them all for ones that actually work and just look historic. Who knew something so basic could be so annoying?

Lead paint is everywhere. It’s all painted over, but anything that chips or needs to be sanded will have lead buried somewhere underneath the layers of paint, followed by wallpaper, followed by more paint. Also, there is wallpaper somewhere under everything. There is a reason generations of homeowners simply painted over it instead of removing it. Sometimes that wallpaper is the only thing holding together old plaster, and removing it may hypothetically result in an entire plaster ceiling collapsing around you.

No one on earth makes more annoying decisions than the century of people who owned a home before you. Why are there wires there? Who on earth would decide to wall off that area? What insane person bought a historic home and filled it with midcentury modern-style light fixtures? This is surely the most hideous paint color ever known to mankind.

Everything costs more money than if you were doing it in a newer home. Prepare to be a headache for every handyman and contractor. Nothing is made that way anymore. We can possibly order the part, but it will take six weeks and cost several thousand dollars because the only person left who knows how to make it is 85 years old and lives in rural Vermont. No one here knows how to repair it. No, thank you, I don’t want to rip it out and replace it with your ghastly Home Depot version.

Historic homes are wonderful places to raise small children. There’s nothing more freeing than embracing imperfection. If all the wood floors are scratched and worn, corners are dented, paint is chipping, and windows don’t really function, then all the stress of rough-and-tumble children vanishes. Everything should be viewed through the lens of the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi, which embraces imperfections and flaws as sources of beauty and value.

A historic home is never finished. It is lived in and loved, and it will require ongoing upkeep. You get amazing things like 24-inch-thick limestone walls and deep window seats, but you also get original cast-iron plumbing and questionable electrical work. If you fall in love and can’t resist its charm, rest in the fact that you don’t have to repair everything right away. Old homes are patient. They have stood for a century already and will wait a little longer while you get to know them. Live in it. Love it. Raise your children there. Let the house tell you its story before you start trying to rewrite it.

I think this mode of thinking can also apply to political figures and celebrities. If we can just put them into a binary category, then we can be comfortable completely accepting or rejecting them? (And this makes others comfortable too - finding connection when we love and hate the same things). If we really think about this, we know it’s ridiculous to think and live in absolutes! But if we’re open to challenging ourselves to think about places and people with nuance, then we have to be okay with being a little uncomfortable.

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I’d like to start with California. My husband and I took a long weekend trip to San Francisco and Northern California to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. “Why California?” some might say. Yes, California has a reputation of Hollywood depravity, surfer dude culture, liberalism, high cost of living, and new money extravagance. Is this a reason to reject the State in its entirety? Also, is this the opinion of people who have never even visited or who haven’t spent a significant amount of time there? I’d like to speak for the lesser known and incredible beauties the the State.

To be fair, northern and southern CA are like two different countries in some ways. Southern California is dry, and the city of Los Angeles (where we lived for a year) is densely populated and the traffic is a huge problem. Along the coast, the weather is cool and the water is cold. Even in Southern California one needs a wetsuit to be in the water for any length of time. Inland, over the mountains, southern CA is a desert. This is where you get Joshua Tree and Death Valley National Parks. Hollywood isn’t glamorous - it’s actually pretty dirty and rundown! The acting scene is highly competitive and just to get into the Union (SAG-AFTRA) is a tricky feat plus a huge fee. Thousands of people work flexible low-paying jobs in the hopes their perseverance will get them to their big break. (I’ve acted in about 8 non-union films and most of the time was spent just sitting around). The artistic side of film-making was exciting and the work of the behind-the-scenes folks were (imho) much more impressive than the screen divas! To be fair, if you love weather that is warm and never changes (or the dry solitude of the desert) and your favorite food is tacos, southern CA is for you.

Then there’s northern CA. Hundreds of miles of rocky, cold, and often brutal coastline. (What a contrast to the warm weather beaches of the east coast where people sprawl on the sand and swim for long periods in the warm water!) When people go to the beach in CA, it is often in a sweatshirt and hat - year round!

Rocky northern CA beach along Highway 1

Have you heard of the naval bases, the lighthouses engulfed in fog and hurricane force winds, the coastal small towns where internet, cell service, and even power are flaky?

The weather and soil in northern CA are stable and allow for huge biodiversity of plants, crops, and vineyards. It is a completely different cultural and environmental experience from southern CA.

I’ve taken some pictures during our trip so far and I’d like to share some impressions. If nothing else, I’d love to challenge California haters to behold some of this beauty and for us all to maybe reconsider other rigid opinions about topics or categories of people we might hold.

Barking sea lions in San Francisco on Pier 39! Predators don’t venture this far into the bay and the city even relocated boats from this pier due to the sea lions taking it over!

Our cottage in a secret garden. The plants here grow wild and effortless. We could hear the ocean from a distance and many species of birds chirping as we watched the sunset filter through the trees.

Wild Cala lilies and ivy growing along the side of the road in the countryside.

Miles of uninhabited, unsettled beach at Point Reyes lighthouse.

This too is California. Rolling hills and gentle dairy cows on the way to the Point Reyes Farmstead Cheese Company. Family owned (3 sisters) since 1959.

The view from our Air Bnb in Gualala.

We are only halfway through our trip, but everything so far has been relaxation and gratitude!

Leave a comment and share about a beautiful place you’ve travelled!

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When my family was considering conversion, we happened to live near a large Catholic parish that would certainly fall into the category I just described. Although it was not where we were attending OCIA, I regularly brought my children there for weekly adoration and, frankly, I was always struck by its beauty. Up to that point, I had only been inside a handful of Catholic churches. Compared to the non-denominational evangelical churches I had attended for most of my life, this parish was absolutely lovely. Beyond any décor or artwork, however, I was overjoyed simply to be in the presence of the Eucharist.

I was desperate to receive the Eucharist. It consumed me. My longing for it was what ultimately drove my decision to offend my entire family and many of my friends by beginning the conversion process in the first place. To be able to walk down the street with my children and sit in adoration felt like almost embarrassing spiritual wealth.

I vividly remember mentioning my excitement about how pretty the chapel was and how we had such easy access to it while speaking with a group of very traditional Catholics. An awkward silence followed. They stared at me as though I had grown a second head. Finally, someone asked, “You think it’s pretty?” In that moment, I realized I had unintentionally revealed myself to be a person of embarrassingly poor taste. The presence of the Eucharist was not what stood out to them. What stood out was the building itself and its perceived shortcomings.

I confess that, over the years, there have been times when I attended one of these beige parishes while traveling, or because it offered a convenient Mass time, and felt the desire to criticize the lackluster music or uninspired architecture more than I once would have. But whenever I feel inclined to complain, I think of the Israelites in the wilderness. In Exodus 16, God feeds them daily with bread from heaven. By the very next chapter, they are already grumbling: “Why did you bring us up out of Egypt? To make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?”(Exodus 17:3).

The human capacity to become accustomed to astonishing gifts is apparently timeless. The Israelites ate bread that fell from heaven and immediately found something new to complain about. We receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ Himself, and still grumble about the ugly carpets and sub-par music. Perhaps the beige parish is not the problem. Perhaps the problem is how quickly we forget the miracle of the mass.

I was living in Germany at that time and teaching some extracurricular classes at a girls’ boarding school. I was there to learn German and studied vocabulary and grammar daily. Germany was beautiful - forests and streams everywhere and the culture reflected the structure of the language. If you know, you know.

In the spring, people started to ask me if I was “going on the Chartres pilgrimage in France.” I didn’t know where Chartres was or that the cathedral would one day become my favorite in the world! I agreed because, well, my friends were going and I had been on the Starkenburg Missouri pilgrimage a few times (a whopping 12 miles) on a mostly flat gravel path. How bad could it be? I was given a list of things to bring and food to request for the three day walking and camping journey. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I did know that pilgrimages were a great opportunity to pray.

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It was the Thursday before Pentecost and after a long bus ride, we settled into our tents in a field to prepare for three days of walking. If you’ve ever gone on a pilgrimage, you’ll know that preparation is important - proper shoes, a hat, sunscreen, a light backpack, water, and plenty of willpower. That I was ill-prepared is an understatement.

It rained for three days. I cannot emphasize enough how heavy this made the journey. Due to the rain, our heads were cast down for hours so our faces wouldn’t get wet. The mud was thick, sometimes reaching completely over our shoes. At one point, I joined my tears with the rain out of fatigue and just wishing it would stop. I was not a very good pilgrim.

Okay, enough about the rain. Something incredible about being on an international pilgrimage was the camaraderie it provided with Catholics from around the world. We sang hymns and prayed rosaries in many different languages. As far as the eye could see, there were flags and banners stretching above heads representing countries and different images and titles of Jesus and Mary. We kept on plugging, despite everything natural urging us to “give up already!” We marched onward, singing and offering everything along the way. At the end of each day, we attended Mass, kneeling in the mud.

Finally, when we reached the end of the pilgrimage on Pentecost Sunday, we heard Mass once more and joyfully limped toward our buses home - in my case - back to Germany.

If you’ve ever finished a pilgrimage, you’ll know it feels like a triumph! It is the satisfaction in our efforts, joy, and relief! It’s union with the history of Christians who made pilgrimages all over the world for various intentions. It’s the example it gives to people in the fields and villages that witness Catholics persevering and praying - fools for Christ. Many saints’ feet beat the ground along those paths where we now walk. How different are we really from them? Surely they grumbled less!

I’ll never forget the tough little French boy scouts standing straight and motionless in their uniforms in the rain ensuring we stayed on the right path, the incredible French mothers who pushed strollers through 5 inches of mud, a priest who never sat down during breaks or lunch, and pilgrims who never complained despite sore legs, blisters, and other hardships. How edifying it was to tread among them!

Every Pentecost, I remember the Chartres pilgrimage. Yes, I did it three different times, but it was this first time that impacted me the most. If you ever have the chance, participating in a pilgrimage, or making one on your own, is a wonderful act of devotion and way to unite to the communion of saints over the centuries, many of whom have likewise prayed with their feet.

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Weeks passed, and our caterpillar stayed firmly cocooned. At one point I was convinced he was dead, but when I picked him up the whole cocoon rattled angrily in my hand. I decided some research was needed. We discovered that our particular caterpillar was slowly becoming a Luna moth, but because it had formed its cocoon late in the season, it would likely spend the entire winter there. So we kept it safe through the long cold months, through a move to a new home, and finally, this week, we saw the fruition of nine months of waiting. He is spectacular. Truly worth the wait.

What strikes me most, though, is the strange extravagance of it all. God fashioned something so delicate and beautiful only to give it an adult life that lasts, at most, about a week. A Luna moth does not even have a mouth once it emerges. It cannot eat. It exists almost entirely to mate, lay eggs, and die, all beneath the cover of darkness. Months hidden away in darkness and stillness culminate in just a few fleeting nights fluttering beneath the summer trees. It’s all so absurdly temporary, and yet God lavished it with beauty: pale green wings like leaves in moonlight, long streaming tails, a body soft as velvet. This delicate masterpiece hides beneath the cover of darkness and dies within a matter of days.

Creation is filled with this enchanting excess. Strange and spectacular fish dwell in the farthest depths of the ocean. Sunrises and sunsets continue in all their splendor over mountain ranges and beaches where no one is around to notice them. Tucked high in treetops, baby birds hatch from tiny eggs in every shade of pastel. Time passes, seasons change, year after year, and the earth overflows with unseen beauty. It is almost as though God simply makes things for the sheer joy of creating.

The painfully fleeting nature of created beauty forces us to lift our eyes beyond creation itself and toward the Creator, finding peace in His eternal unchangingness. There is an ache I feel watching my little friend. I want to flit through the flowering trees with him and linger beneath the summer night. But perhaps that longing is pointing beyond nature itself. When we crave a deeper connection with the natural world, we are often really craving a deeper connection with the One who made it.

As I look out the window at my little moth carefully drying his wings, I am reminded of the words of Augustine of Hippo: “Late have I loved you, Beauty so ancient and so new, late have I loved you!”

We were made for that Beauty. Made for the Beatific Vision, to be drawn fully into the life of Christ and transformed into His likeness. For now, though, we remain here on earth, cocooned within frail and decaying bodies, waiting in hope for the resurrection and the promise of a life filled with eternal beauty.

The New Year’s resolution hype expects us to make changes right now! It’s cold, it’s dark, let’s go! Get out of bed and lose 30 pounds! And we wonder why this doesn’t work.

I’d like to propose a reframing in light of the liturgical year working together with the weather!

Over the past several weeks I have been drinking in the colors of spring. There are so many shades of green to notice, in fact, they can be hard to count. I have delighted at the first daffodils, the tulips, and now the irises coming to bloom. (In my opinion, irises 100% smell like grape soda, go ahead, smell one.) Birds are chirping and new animals are born. Spring is all about renewal.

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In the liturgy, we round out winter with the beginning of Lent. People say we “give up things” or “do extra” during this time, but in reality, it seems like most of us are just practicing being different, not necessarily winning at it!

Then we have Easter - Christ is risen - His broken body is renewed. He makes all things new. It is also spring, Alleluia! No matter what, Easter falls during the season of spring. Perhaps by then our Lenten resolutions have firmed up a bit and have become more like habits instead of a temporary effort that we gleefully throw in the trash along with the jelly beans, which are gross anyway.

I would like to propose that Catholics don’t even try to make New Year’s resolutions! Yes, it is the turning of a new year, but the Catholic Church, in her wisdom, has arranged the liturgical year beautifully with the turning of the seasons and a natural renewal of life all around us.

We have more light at this time of year and it is a bit warmer - these things may seem arbitrary, but when we are trying to “be different” it is an uncomfortable process - the little things matter!

Objection: Christmas vs. Easter

Some might argue that Advent is the beginning of the liturgical year, therefore we should make our New Year’s resolutions at this time. I see your point. Christmas brings the joy of our newborn King along with so many festive gatherings and connection with loved ones. There is a great deal of externalization of the feast day.

Sed Contra

Despite the opinion of every child in America, Easter is the greatest feast day of the entire Catholic liturgical year. Christmas, although beloved, holds second place followed by Pentecost in terms of liturgical solemnity.

So Why Easter Resolutions?

While Christmas is the beginning of Christ’s life, Easter represents the fullness of His mission on earth - His resurrection from the dead - His triumph over death and sin. This renewal is a greater renewal than His Nativity, so it makes sense that our greatest renewal would mirror the life of Christ as manifested through His Church.

It is currently still spring. Along with spring cleaning and the school year drawing to a close, let’s challenge ourselves to move with the rhythm of the temporal and liturgical seasons and make one resolution to grow and bloom like the life around us.

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I look around me almost 120 years later and see that he did, indeed, design neighborhoods that withstand the changes of time and remain quaintly beautiful and functional. It isn’t that knowing small details of my hometown history is entirely life-changing, but it gives me a sense of rootedness in the place I’m in. For all these years, men, women, and their children have been walking these streets, stopping by these shops, and investing in this community. There’s comfort in the humanness of it all.

If we take this same principle of rootedness and expand it back to our own genealogy, it brings an even more personal sense of grounding. My mouth may not be the perfect mouth by today’s beauty standards, but if I chose to get lip filler, it would be masking something that has been passed down from generation to generation. My face would no longer reveal the feature that my ancestors gave to me or that I have passed on to my own children. Maybe a facial feature is a small thing—I’m not one to condemn the entire cosmetic and plastic surgery industry—but it’s a tangible example of the simple truth that none of us exists in a vacuum. We all come from somewhere.

Many of us aren’t always thrilled about all the details of where we come from. Every family has skeletons in the closet, and some of them are really quite shameful. If that’s the case, I would offer you two encouragements:

1. Take a look at Jesus’ family line. There were plenty of shady characters and shameful sins that ultimately led to the Incarnation. God redeems and transforms every part of us, even our heritage.

2. Dive deep into Church history and find your family in the saints. At the times in my life when I have felt most isolated from my family on earth, I have taken great comfort in my brothers and sisters, and grandmothers and grandfathers in heaven.

It is important for us to be rooted in the time and place where God has placed us in the world. We are not accidents of history or isolated individuals drifting through time; we are part of something that stretches both backward and forward. The homes we live in, the families we come from, and even the features we carry all tell a story. When we spend time getting to know that story we begin to live with a greater sense of purpose and stability. Let your roots run deep. Draw nourishment from what has been handed down to you, and don’t be afraid to face the skeletons

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In the first session, talk about your values - Faith, family, culture, boundaries, and goals. This makes it easier for the therapist to understand who you are and what you’re looking for!

This will also help you to feel comfortable knowing you have laid out what is most important to you on the table right away.

This makes for an effective working relationship. A therapist doesn’t have to have your exact background and values to help you - but they do need to respect you!

What are your thoughts on this topic?

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Fear of Therapy

The strongest reaction I have witnessed when it comes to Catholics and therapy is fear. “What if the therapist advises me against my values?” “If I go to therapy, then I’m just throwing off the cross!” etc. etc. While these fears are understandable (and sometimes substantiated), the result is these people do not seek mental health treatment. Sometimes we know we need help but we don’t know how to start - so we continue to cope by ourselves, often poorly.

Most likely we have known someone who we might say has big problems but “doesn’t want a solution.” This can be frustrating to witness because it might seem like people are choosing to wallow in mental health struggles despite the advice of spouses, loved ones, and spiritual directors to seek professional treatment. Then are they not being somewhat stubborn in this regard? Somewhat performative?

Perhaps the motivation to resist therapy is a belief that self-imposed suffering (mental health purgatory) is superior to wellbeing due to our ability to imitate the sufferings of Christ (Colossians 1:24). Suffering - both physical and mental - is a part of life no matter what and indeed can be transcendent! But to endure suffering for its own sake when there are means for healing is not what the Catholic Church teaches us to do or what her saints have written about over the centuries.

"No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others. So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great." - St. John Chrysostom

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Given the brain is a physical part of the body, I would argue that mental health care falls into this category. It influences our daily life, family, relationships, and even our ability to pray. The Church teaches that human reason, including medical science, is itself a gift from God to address human needs (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, §159).

The Church has taught over the centuries that when we are physically sick, it is more difficult to pray and fulfill our daily duty. Therefore, treating illness (and by extension, mental illness) is encouraged!

“Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them, taking into account the needs of others and the common good.” — Catechism of the Catholic Church, §2288

“Take care of your health, that it may serve you to serve God.” — St. Francis de Sales

St. Basil, The Long Rules (Question 55), directly addresses whether it is permissible and even pious to seek medical intervention:

“The science of medicine was given to us by God in order to relieve sickness... we may have recourse to physicians and take medicine, for this science is a gift from God.”

But how do we go about this regarding therapy?

Prayer and Spiritual Direction

I have heard it said that we just need to pray more to resolve mental disorders. Prayer is definitely a part of life and has its place in healing. Concerning spiritual matters, these are best placed in the hands of a trusted confessor and/or spiritual director. But they do not always have the time - or training - to help with matters of the mind. Can we agree that it is unfair to place complex mental issues into their hands expecting a cure? Can we agree it is unfair to insist they resolve things even after they advise us to consult a mental health professional and we refuse?

That being said, therapists can work with spiritual directors to coordinate your care! (You will need to sign a release of information for this, of course!)

Tips for Starting Therapy

Let’s say you have made the leap and have decided to start therapy. At the outset, it is important to share your values with your therapist! A good therapist will not contradict an individual’s values. On the contrary, they will try to help the individual work within their values to resolve their mental health concerns.

How to Communicate Catholic Values to A Therapist

Finding a Catholic therapist is like finding a needle in a haystack. There are many Christian or Faith-informed therapists, but not all understand the teachings of the Catholic Church. Here are some ways to communicate Catholic values to a new therapist.

Important: Do this at the beginning of treatment so that boundaries are clear!

1. A Catholic couple seeking marriage counselling might communicate the value that “Divorce is against the teaching of the Catholic Church and is therefore off the table. Our goal is to work on strengthening our marriage.”

2. A Catholic struggling with alcohol/drug abuse, infidelity, or sexual sins might communicate the value: “While many people see these things as harmless or normal, these behaviors are against my Catholic values and I would like to work toward developing other tools to cope with my struggles.”

3. Catholic parents seeking treatment for their child might communicate the value of being involved in their child’s care and the value of maintaining parental respect and authority in the home.

Nobody is perfect, but most therapists are good and helpful. Most therapists do not have a vendetta to turn people away from their dearly held beliefs. While there are exceptions, if a therapist does not respect your values after you have communicated them, it may be wise to find someone better suited to care for your mental health.

What other apprehensions do you have or have you heard about therapy?

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It is possible to both trust God and ask people for help.

I love her, though she is admittedly a bit sensitive, anxious, and extremely loud. But she knows what space is hers and protects it bravely. I’ve watched her run off hawks and cats—and children—she felt were a threat. When she goes broody, she sits on those eggs through long, hot days without taking breaks for food and water. She’s motherly and brave and just a little bit bitchy. Over the years I’ve defended her against the continual insults of my husband, children, and occasionally neighbors.

Recently, my husband, exasperated, demanded to know why I wouldn’t rehome a goose that everyone else dislikes. My answer came without a thought:

“I get her. I am a goose.”

Now, lest you think I’m crazy, I know that I’m not actually a goose. But I am a protective mother, and I have certainly made enemies when I felt my children were at risk. My home is my territory, and I will protect it. Sometimes (often) I’m loud. I can hardly hold these traits against a creature when I see them so clearly in myself.

It’s a silly thing, to feel so defensive of a bird, but my goose acts exactly the way God designed her to act. She is an ideal goose. And on the days when I squawk at my children in the house and she honks loudly in the garden, I feel like maybe she gets me too.

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Depression is taboo. Along with other mental health categorizations, it carries stigma and an urgency to get rid of it quickly or stuff it down before anyone notices. (And whatever you do, don’t tell anyone you’re struggling #weaksauce). I’d like to explore the value of being uncomfortable with our loved ones who may struggle with depression and provide some do’s and don’ts along the way.

(If you don’t know what clinical depression is, feel free to read this article where the diagnostic criteria are listed: "I'm Sad But I'm NOT Depressed.")

Hardy People

The incidence of depression is about 8.5% in clinical settings annually.1 However, up to 18% of the US adult population of both diagnosed and self-diagnosed was indicated in polls from 2024-2025.2 Those who do not fall into this category are what we call hardy people.3 Maybe this is you - someone who has never experienced depression and can’t quite relate. Hardiness is a combination of biology and environmental upbringing. This does not mean that hardy people can claim strength or superiority over people who are more inclined to depression. It just means if they notice themselves getting down in the dumps for more than a few days, they intuitively know what they need to do to avoid sinking into depressive episodes. Now, just because hardy people know what helps them feel better, this does not mean that they know what will help others. For them to give specific advice to a depressed person, well, it might not land well - and even might cause harm, which is the last thing they want to do.

Depression is Not a Moral Failing

For depressed people, ideas about how to feel better don’t always cross their mind, nor does the energy to make changes necessarily exist. Of course they want to feel better, but being depressed can feel like walking across the ocean floor: immense pressure, darkness, lack of direction - sometimes the only thinkable remedy is “anything to stop the pain.” E.g., A hardy person says, “When I’m down, I just take a shower and get outside!” Now, that’s a good idea, right? Of course! But for someone in a depressive episode, getting their body out of bed, into the shower, then outside may seem like an insurmountable task, despite their will power.

If we have never been in a depressed state, can we imagine what it might be like for a moment? Can we generate empathy for someone in this state and sit with them? Can we listen to and support someone without trying to fix their depression for them?

The Tendency To Give Advice!

It can be so tempting to want to immediately take pain away from those we care about or to escape uncomfortable conversations about mental health. After all, it is natural to want to soothe a crying child or take something off the plate of a friend to help them have a better day. Well, depression is a little different and harder to pinpoint. When someone is physically injured, we can grasp their limitations to a certain extent. With mental health, it is like they’re injured, but since we can’t see it, we often make mistakes about how much pain and how extensive their pain really is. This is why giving mental health advice is almost never a bullseye. We would never tell a person with two sprained ankles to just run faster; we probably should not tell a depressed person to just be happy.

Here are some examples of myths or painful invalidating statements you may be familiar with:

“Depression isn’t real; you have a spiritual problem and just need to pray more.”

“Happiness is a choice; just stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“You have no reason to be depressed; other people have it way worse; you’re being ungrateful.”

“Depression is an excuse to be lazy.”

“If you say you’re depressed, you’re accusing me of being a bad parent, friend, spouse etc.”

“If you seek treatment for depression, you’re throwing off the cross.”

“If I just listen to you without giving advice, I’m enabling you in your depression.”

“If you’re depressed, that means you’re just sitting there thinking about yourself.”

“You need to compartmentalize your issues, like an adult.”

“You’re a mom, you’re not allowed to be depressed.”

There are many others out there - please drop them in the comments below!

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Folks who have said these things are well-intentioned and are not bad people! They are trying to help, but no one ever taught them how. They may have never been depressed so they can’t seem to relate, or maybe this is what they think is what they are supposed to say to effect change.

The How: Helpful Tips

It can be awkward trying to help someone who is depressed if we never have been ourselves, or if we have only ever learned to appreciate problem-solving and firmly pulled up bootstraps. We may be tempted to do and say all sorts of blunderous things. So what do we do now?

Tip 1

Listen with acceptance and empathy. This goes a very long way! It might not seem like it, but being a good listener can help someone explain the invisible pain they are going through. It can be helpful to ask questions here - to wear that person’s shoes for a moment and empathize with what they’re feeling e.g., identifying their emotions and struggles with them. Listening sometimes involves repeating back to someone what we’ve heard them say to make sure we’ve understood it correctly. This can foster connection in friendship and prevent us from making assumptions or jumping into problem solving too quickly.

Tip 2

Try really hard not to give advice. This can be so difficult, but it is worth it to hold back. Advice sounds like starting sentences with “You should do X” and all other forms of telling people what to do to feel better. Sometimes we think that problem-solving is the best form of help or problem-solving is what people need. Not necessarily. This form of listening support can be lacking even in otherwise close families and friendships, but it is incredibly valuable. Sometimes people need to be seen and heard without the pressure for change - and without making them feel bad for feeling bad.

Tip 3

Be Present and Validate. When someone confides in us that they are sad/down/troubled etc., they are being vulnerable with us. Sometimes the best thing we can do to support them is to be present. We don’t need to have the magic words or the solution, we just need to be there with them, fully. Often people don’t expect their friends to have the answers to all their problems - it’s a pressure we put on ourselves to be the perfect friend. Being a friend in this moment means focusing on the person at hand without changing the subject, and without talking about ourselves - which can be easier said than done!

Validation means to recognizing that someone’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences make sense in their context—even if we don’t agree with them. For example, if someone just lost their job we can validate them by saying, “It is so tough to lose a job!” or “It makes sense why you’re sad and frustrated right now.” Counter example of what NOT to do: “I understand. I lost my job once too…” While I may have lost my job, the statement invalidates the person’s current suffering (we may not know what “losing their job” fully entails in their life right now) and turns the narrative back to yourself. At this point, we may have accidentally derailed the conversation. Validation takes practice and if we can’t think of something to say, we can always ask, “How can I support you right now?”

Sometimes our friends genuinely are looking for our input and by all means, we can share. If however, they haven’t asked for our advice, we can avoid a blunder by asking them if it would be helpful for us to share our thoughts.

Depression is real and those struggling with it are suffering real pain. While there are many options for (and opinions about) treatment and how to help others, sometimes they just need us to sit with them in the dark.

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This conversation with my friend was brought to mind recently when I read yet another article about the infamous Ballerina Farm. Honestly, the internet is obsessed with this woman who has the audacity to be beautiful and successful within her oddly nonconforming life. The comments on the article were filled with doubt about her happiness and the happiness of her children. “It’s all a show” was the general conclusion. Yes, to some extent her social media is a show because she’s marketing products to bring in an income for her family (rather successfully, I might add). However, it’s also possible that she actually enjoys her life. Maybe she keeps having children because she likes them. Maybe her children, like mine, are thrilled with each new addition and ask her eagerly when she is going to have another baby.

Having a large family and operating in a marriage with more traditional gender roles really isn’t the horrifying end that many people make it out to be. Our culture has a very narrow definition of female flourishing. It assumes that fulfillment must look like professional advancement, financial independence, and above all independence from relying on a man. When a woman chooses something else, people assume she must be oppressed, naïve, or secretly miserable.

I have absolutely no problem with women who work outside the home. I have argued in the past that the Biblical model of the ideal wife in Proverbs 31 shows us a woman who both makes money and has significant control over household finances. However, a person’s value is not measured by their income, and a happy marriage is one in which both spouses depend on and trust one another. In this type of marriage, the home becomes a stable entity in which all members are giving themselves for the success of the whole. This is why we can refer to a home as a “little church.”

Thriving in a traditional setting is unpopular because it exposes a truth modern culture prefers to ignore: we need one another. To admit that men and women may flourish most when they willingly place themselves at the service of each other runs directly against the American ideal of absolute independence. Mutual dependence looks suspicious to a society that prizes autonomy above all else. The real tragedy, then, is not that women like Ballerina Farm are secretly suffering in an oppressive life. The real tragedy is that our culture refuses to believe she might simply be happy with that life.

“I’m sad, but I’m NOT depressed!” …I wondered what she meant by that…

I was curious if she knew the difference and, by extension, if Catholic women in general really knew what depression was. I sensed some defensiveness in her tone when she specified “...not depressed.” What is the difference between being sad and depressed and where was this defensiveness coming from?

When we think of “being sad”, what comes to mind? A frown, drooping shoulders, maybe tears? What do we think of when we think of “being depressed”? Please pause for a moment to think about this. Notice what connotations “depression” has for you, any walls you might feel going up?

Let’s talk about depression: what it is and why it’s touchy! First, from a clinical perspective, there are several factors to consider: symptoms, duration, and change in functioning. (For the sake of clarity, when I speak about depression here, I am referring to the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder as it manifests in adults and as is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR; American Psychiatric Association, 2022).1

Symptoms: The Big 2

Often sadness and depression have similar characteristics so it makes sense why they might be tricky to tease apart. Both sadness and depression often have a sad mood associated with them, and sometimes a loss of interest or pleasure in things we used to enjoy. An important note here is that - when depression is present, one of these two symptoms is always present (DSM-V-TR, 2022). This however, is not enough for us to accurately identify depression.

Symptoms: The Rest of the Story

We are often good at feeling that something is off, but how do we measure that? So for those of us who like definitions and categories (like me!) here we go: In order to receive a diagnosis of depression, a person needs to have a combination of at least 5 depressive symptoms co-occurring for most of the day, nearly every day for a period of at least 2 weeks. There are 9 symptoms of depression in the DSM-V-TR, 2022, that, due to extensive research and robust psychometrics, cluster together for people experiencing a depressive episode. Here are the criteria (abbreviated for clarity):

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (or changes in appetite).

4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day.

5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.

6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt.

8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

A Change

It is also important to determine whether the mood or loss of pleasure is a change from our previous functioning. Was I someone who seemed even-keeled most of the time before X event? Or did I used to have a zest for life and interest in previously enjoyed activities, but now these things are bleak and boring? This change is often observable by those around us. Friends and family are often able to notice when we have a “change in affect”2. Maybe we have heard this feedback from others - when others notice we “seem off.” This can be hard to hear and harder to accept. This is not the same as, “I hate Mondays…”

Defensiveness and Ethics

Poor thing, my friend knew she was speaking to a therapist when she emphatically assured me she wasn’t depressed. Maybe she thought that I would go into “shrink mode” in my response or try to “fix her feelings.” Neither of which is ethical!

As a licensed psychologist, I am forbidden from giving therapy to friends, family, and anyone I know personally! This is part of the Psychologists Code of Ethics and falls under Standard 3.05: “Multiple Relationships”3. This is crucial to uphold because if I were to have therapy sessions with people I knew, I could unknowingly introduce my own bias into their treatment and cause harm, even unintentionally (Standard 3.04). Therefore, please be advised that ethical therapy does not come from your friends!

Perhaps a bigger part of her defensiveness comes from her idea of what depression means particularly for a woman, or for a Catholic woman. How is she supposed to navigate the stereotypes or myths about depression? How is this something that a modern Catholic woman (who is supposed to be strong, feminine, prayerful, bright, beautiful etc.) accept in herself? It requires a lot of vulnerability and flexible thinking. That women can be both strong and struggling.

In Conclusion

My friend was right! She was indeed sad, but NOT depressed. After a few days of talking with friends, eating good food, and laughing about her dating stories, she moved forward with business as usual. (In clinical terms, she did not meet criteria for a depression diagnosis - she had a few symptoms that were short-lived). This is often the case when we have disappointments in our lives - we use healthy coping skills (or not!) and naturally regain our stride. But what if we don’t?

Next time, I would like to clarify depression myths and treatment options from a female, Catholic perspective. I’m willing to engage in all of that discomfort with you because I have seen how important this is in the world and in my practice of psychology. Catholic tradition has always acknowledged sorrow, even profound sorrow, and thankfully has given us its meaning and transcendence.

Coming back to the reflection questions I asked earlier in this post, what connotations does depression have for you? What questions or resistance do you have about the topic? Eager for your thoughts - leave a comment below!

Thank you for taking the time to read.

- Jane

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From Anna -

I sit in my historic home, staring at this screen, listening to my children play upstairs, and think: why, exactly, would I choose to step into the swamp of the online world? My life is peaceful. It is deeply, recognizably human. That sounds obvious, of course it’s human. But I mean something more precise: a life that feels whole, ordered, lived in accordance with something real and given rather than constructed. Even as I write that, it sounds uncomfortably bold. How could I claim to understand what a fully human life is, let alone what God intends it to be? It’s a fair question. The answer is not that I have figured it out, but rather that we have all been given the answer.

The Catholic Everywoman exists to explore that question: what is the fullness of human life for women? What did our Creator intend that life to be? We can approach that question with confidence because we have the teachings of the Church. Within those teachings, there is not a single narrow path, but a varied spectrum of lives that are all fully, deeply human. I was married at twenty-one and now have six children. You do not have to live that life. Jane’s life looks very different from mine. It is no less Catholic, no less pleasing to God, and no less satisfying. That is the point.

Welcome to The Catholic Everywoman, a place where faith transforms ordinary life. I write for the person who, when left alone with her own thoughts, becomes aware of a quiet but persistent lack. Before my conversion to Catholicism, my life was, on paper, everything I wanted, and yet I felt unmoored, restless and without foundation. I wanted to be rooted in something lasting, but my Protestant faith felt thin, unable to bear the weight I needed it to carry. When I encountered the teachings of the Catholic Church and the sacramental life that flows from them, something shifted. I had spent my life reading the stories of Scripture; now I live within them. I understand my place within a larger, ordered reality. And that truth does not confine. It frees.

My desire is to share that life in a way that is both balanced and authentic. It is possible to surround yourself with truth, goodness, and beauty without withdrawing from the world. God has placed you here at this time, in this particular moment, and His truth is no less relevant now than it was two thousand years ago.

I hope you’ll join us in this. There is real depth here as well as an abundance of joy. And yes, we do intend to have fun along the way.

From Jane -

For years now, I knew I wanted to reach women about mental health issues. Maybe even build a multi-million dollar mental health retreat center for women. This started as a dream to go back to graduate school to study Clinical Psychology, thanks to the influence of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson many years ago. As the years went on, I realized that it wasn’t just women in general who I wanted to reach, but Catholic women specifically. I also started to realize that I wasn’t a millionaire and my women’s center would have to wait.

A fire smoldered within me - I needed to shout from the rooftops that mental health treatment was in no way contrary to the Catholic Faith, on the contrary, it could support it. Nowadays, shouting from the rooftops looks a lot like interacting with social media. Voila, here we are!

I admit, starting this journey is full of imposter syndrome for me, but this desire has never died and recently has become more pressing than ever. I’d like to pass on what I have learned in my psychology education, what I have learned from my own life experience and from working with clients of all backgrounds. I grew up in a Catholic community and heard many of the same apprehensions over and over again regarding the mental health world. I would love to help women blossom in the realm of mental health without fear.

My goal is to strike a balance and address the whole woman in the world, now. After all, how many times do we observe women modeling a whimsical cosplay of a former time…

Anna and I come from different backgrounds and we want to speak to the Catholic life of The Everywoman.

This is easier said than done, so in a series of articles and conversations, I would like to discuss the steps to help Catholic women approach mental healthcare in a balanced and hopeful way. Coupled with my own thoughts, I will include Catholic teaching and nuggets of research to support my claims with cited references, of course. Catholic women of the world: what does mental health mean to you?

Welcome to The Catholic Everywoman!

Jane & Anna